Giving Thanks for Infertility

Last week was Thanksgiving - our national time to pause and give thanks.  Many years, this has been a joyful holiday and it has been easy to list the things for which I'm thankful.

I'm always thankful for...
My husband and the beautiful marriage God has given us
My parents
My brothers and their families
My husband's parents
His brothers and their families
Good jobs
Good health
Our puppy
A great church community
Fantastic friends who are like family

And, the list could continue, I'm sure.  But, for the last few years, sometimes thankfulness hasn't been so easy.  While we are always grateful for what we have, our hearts have been longing for something yet to come.  For the past 3 1/2 years, my husband and I have been trying to start our family, and that dream has been denied us so far.

Even after years of waiting on the Lord to bring me this man He promised, my heart still struggles in the waiting.  You'd think I'd be good at it by now!  Clearly, I have much to learn.

As we approached the holiday this year, we were coming to terms with the knowledge that our options for fertility treatments are reaching an end.  We are still hopeful and we pray constantly.  We are doing all we can to help the process along.  And, we know that God is sovereign over all things and He decides when babies come.  So, should He so choose, with or without the doctors, He could give us this heart's desire.

So, we wait.  We hold each other tightly.  We navigate the minefield of emotions that come with this journey (especially as it overlaps holidays).  And, we pray.

One of my sisters-in-law shared with me that she is reading a book by Dan Allender called, "The Cry of Our Soul: How Our Emotions Reveal Our Deepest Questions About God". And, another friend asked me to dig into the emotions I'm experiencing to see where God is in them and what it may be revealing to me.  My husband and I are embarking on this journey together.

One of my favorite artists, Jeremy Cowart,recently published a series of work called "Resilient Light".  One of my favorite pieces from this collection says:

"What brings us to tears will lead us to grace.  Our pain is never wasted."

In light of all of these things that have been stirring in my heart and soul, I told my husband last night that I want to dig in and make sure this pain is not wasted.  The first step for me is to list the ways that I am thankful for this journey.

I am thankful for infertility...

...because it has made me more compassionate to the struggles of others.
...because it has taught us that everyone's journey is hard for them even if we don't understand.
...because my husband and I have had to lean on each other in new ways.
...because my husband has shown immense love and grace by walking through this with me.
...because it reminds me that my identity is in Christ and His cross, not my failing womb.
...because it is part of the story that God has given us to carry.
...because God has shown Himself miraculous even though we do not yet hold a child.
...because it teaches us to speak up about what we need from others as we process our pain.
...because I have found community among other sisters who wrestle with this same longing.
...because I have learned to humble myself and ask for prayer for me and my husband.
...because we have learned what it means to be carried before the Father in prayer.
...because we have learned that people love us enough to carry us before the Father.
...because our friends have wept with us and helped us carry this pain.
...because we are learning to grieve the dreams we dreamed to make room for new ones.
...because this unfulfilled longing reminds us that this place is not our home.
...because we learn to hope afresh with every failed cycle that leads to another try.
...because we are putting our faith in action and believing that God has a plan and purpose for our lives, even if we don't understand it, or want it to be different.  We must walk what we believe and what we have claimed to know as true.  Now, we see it, first hand, that He is faithful to carry us in our weakness.  And so, today I am learning to

"give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." I Thessalonians 5:18

And also this:

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

So, if you are struggling in this journey, in this same waiting, know that our hearts are for you.  And, we are praying for the God of all comfort to bring sweet peace to your souls and grace in knowing that this isn't wasted - not one single tear drop.