Why is there so much power in anonymity? It seems counterintuitive that remaining nameless, and faceless, should make us brave. It's true that our words carry more weight and have more validity if we are willing to sign our name to them, but how often do we truly say what we mean?
In the South, "sugar-coating" is a way of life. We walk around with painted-on smiles and "bless" everyone's heart. Social settings are veritable mine fields of polite grenades. An outsider might only see the candy coating, but we know that every "bless her heart" and "prayer request" is often a prickly barb fired at the "sweetheart" across the room. Southern women are especially good at getting their point across without it actually sounding like an insult. We veil our true intent in pleasant words. Backhanded compliments are handed out by the dozen and phrased in such a way as to ensure plausible deniability should the offended party protest.
But, what if we were all honest? How many friends would we really have? What if we told the Bride that making her wedding day all about herself to the exclusion and pain of others just shows that she's selfish or insecure? What if we actually stood up for ourselves when a family member pitched a fit in order to get his or her way? What if we put our foot down and refused to be abused or trampled on so that someone else can feel better about their own dismal situation? What would that actually look like?
It's actually a scary thought to me.
But, wouldn't that be the most loving thing to do? How much pain could be avoided if we actually learned to set and adhere to appropriate boundaries? How many relationships would be enriched by learning to speak the truth in love to one another?
It's so easy to say, but much harder to do. In theory, I would never want my wedding to be a point of contention for people. I never want to elevate one day, one celebration, over the important relationships in my life. So what if I have to compromise on some things? But, it's much easier to say that until you are the stressed out bride being pulled in fifteen directions and trying to please everyone. Right now, I hope that my friends would love me enough to help me keep from destroying my relationships or looking like a fool. I hope that someone would tell me the truth in love, but would I really receive it? Would I hear the heart of that person or would I just pour my anger out on them?
No one really wants to be known as someone who pitches a fit to get their way, right? Or do they? It would break my heart if I though people "walked on eggshells" around me or were afraid to say anything to me for fear of my reaction. But, I wonder how many times that has been true. Do I have friends who can tell me the truth and let me know when I've stepped out of line? Would they tell me if I owed an apology or would they just egg on the contention because the drama is sweet to them?
Or what about staying in an abusive relationship? It's so difficult to judge, from the outside, what is an appropriate tolerance level in a relationship. At what point do angry words become verbal abuse? At what point does the withdrawal of love and affection become manipulation and control? It's a tough call to make. But, would I hear the truth from someone who loved me? Would anyone be brave enough to tell me?
It's in times like these that anonymity seems so sweet. I've often wanted to write biting missives and send them without a return address or signature. I've wanted to really let someone have a piece of my mind without having the consequences of my choice. It's appealing, isn't it? It's a juicy thought.
So, I'm torn.
I am writing in anonymity for now because I believe it gives me the freedom to express my thoughts and get my creative juices flowing. I'm refusing to sign my name because I want to write without limitation. But, is it a cowardly move? Or, is it a kind way to write stories where people might recognize themselves if they knew the author? By remaining anonymous, or writing under a pen name, I can write the stories I really want to tell without hurting the people I love. I can expose human flaws and characteristics (which we all have in some form or fashion) without publicly flaying the people closest to me.
So, is it cowardly or kind? I have yet to decide.
No comments:
Post a Comment